Tuesday, April 5, 2011

New Legislation RE: Shitty Drivers..... and Rain!

Its come to my understand that there is no federal statue preventing uncoordinated, slightly less than intelligent totally discombobulated nitwits from driving in inclement weather. How can this be??

I made is a point to propose new legislation which I have now titled "The Inclement Weather Drivers Certification Act". Normally I'm not one to really bitch and complain to my elected officials.... but now living in DC and feeling the undying need to make a mockery for the entire process.... I submit the follow bill for your consideration. Please feel free to print, sign, and mail to your elected congressional officials, the president, or just the asshole you passed in the parking garage who took 40 minutes to figure out how the fuck to back into a parking space without hitting a pole!

Title: The Inclement Weather Drivers Certification Act
Bill No: 1456223-A

Be It Enacted By Anyone With Anywhere To Go Even When Its Raining


Preamble:
Wheras people at times have the need to get from place to place on days other than those under bright sun and dry conditions. Currently laws preventing morons from entering public roadways between the hours of 8am and 10am as well as 4pm and 6pm on days other than those mentioned above exist only in my head. It is the intent of this proposal to improve the morning commute for all those individuals rightfully possessing a current drivers license, mastery of the fine motor skills required to operate a motor vehicle and a job.

SECTION 1: Let the definition of Inclement Weather include all days not between 55 and 105 degrees Fahrenheit and all days over 80% humidity or with any form of precipitation, including but not limited to: rain, sleet, snow, frozen rain, hail and cats.

SECTION 2: Lets the definition of Drivers include anyone who has proven by a driving authority, DMV, parents, close friend, or crowds at a motor-sports event that he/she posses the ability to pilot an automobile in a stright line down a paved road while staying in the designated lane areas.

SECTION 3: Impose limits on Drivers as defined in SECTION 2 while there is Inclement Weather as defined in SECTION 1.
          Sub-SECTION A: Anyone who has an IQ under 80 may not operate a motor-vehicle on a public roadway.
            Sub-SECTION B: Anyone who can not maintain a speed over 4mph may not operate a motor-vehicle on a public roadway.
           Sub-SECTION C: Anyone on a bicycle, roller-blades, Smart Car, or any form of hybrid of Volvo may not operate a motor-vehicle on a public roadway.

SECTION 4: This bill shall go into effect immediately since I have to get the fuck home after work today and its still god damned raining!