Tuesday, April 5, 2011

New Legislation RE: Shitty Drivers..... and Rain!

Its come to my understand that there is no federal statue preventing uncoordinated, slightly less than intelligent totally discombobulated nitwits from driving in inclement weather. How can this be??

I made is a point to propose new legislation which I have now titled "The Inclement Weather Drivers Certification Act". Normally I'm not one to really bitch and complain to my elected officials.... but now living in DC and feeling the undying need to make a mockery for the entire process.... I submit the follow bill for your consideration. Please feel free to print, sign, and mail to your elected congressional officials, the president, or just the asshole you passed in the parking garage who took 40 minutes to figure out how the fuck to back into a parking space without hitting a pole!

Title: The Inclement Weather Drivers Certification Act
Bill No: 1456223-A

Be It Enacted By Anyone With Anywhere To Go Even When Its Raining


Preamble:
Wheras people at times have the need to get from place to place on days other than those under bright sun and dry conditions. Currently laws preventing morons from entering public roadways between the hours of 8am and 10am as well as 4pm and 6pm on days other than those mentioned above exist only in my head. It is the intent of this proposal to improve the morning commute for all those individuals rightfully possessing a current drivers license, mastery of the fine motor skills required to operate a motor vehicle and a job.

SECTION 1: Let the definition of Inclement Weather include all days not between 55 and 105 degrees Fahrenheit and all days over 80% humidity or with any form of precipitation, including but not limited to: rain, sleet, snow, frozen rain, hail and cats.

SECTION 2: Lets the definition of Drivers include anyone who has proven by a driving authority, DMV, parents, close friend, or crowds at a motor-sports event that he/she posses the ability to pilot an automobile in a stright line down a paved road while staying in the designated lane areas.

SECTION 3: Impose limits on Drivers as defined in SECTION 2 while there is Inclement Weather as defined in SECTION 1.
          Sub-SECTION A: Anyone who has an IQ under 80 may not operate a motor-vehicle on a public roadway.
            Sub-SECTION B: Anyone who can not maintain a speed over 4mph may not operate a motor-vehicle on a public roadway.
           Sub-SECTION C: Anyone on a bicycle, roller-blades, Smart Car, or any form of hybrid of Volvo may not operate a motor-vehicle on a public roadway.

SECTION 4: This bill shall go into effect immediately since I have to get the fuck home after work today and its still god damned raining!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

What am I worth?

There's a pretty huge question? The weird part is, I guess that are a lot of ways to measure it.... what am I worth financially? what am I worth to my company? what am I worth to my family? and friends? I guess what I was originally driving at.... is what impact can I have? on people in general, on strangers, on people I'm in no other way really connected to?

For those of you that know me personally, you know I'm a pretty big movie fan. You might also know that sometime, I just kinda like watching movies that will make me a little more emotional than normal. Its easy to explain why really. It just feels good to feel.... something, anything. I'm amazing that in 110 minutes or so, someone can develop a character, outline a life, portray desires, needs, feelings, accomplishments and even tragedies. It amazes me that I can sit on my couch and watch a movie about a character that yesterday I didn't even know existed, that actually isn't even a really person, and end up crying or having feelings of empathy, inspiration, even hate.

I think the one that's been getting me lately is the stories of the unsuspecting hero. You know, the guy who doesn't do much other than be himself but in the process seems to really change the people around him. Alter people's lives, leave his mark in peoples history. It seems like its a theme that comes up in a lot of movies, seems to do pretty well do. They movies get great review, people win awards and the people I talk to about them all say they "totally loved it". Which to most of us means we know the person we're talking to ALSO cried during the movie but doesn't want to just come right out and say it!

The last one I watched is actually called "It's Kind of a Funny Story". Its a story about a kid who winds up in an adult mental hospital and basically without all the long winded kind of emotion details, winds up at the end of the movie really helping people out. It makes me wonder....

Will I ever have the effect on people? Will just being who I normally am everyday actually change any one's live? Has it happened already... am I part of any one's "greatest night EVER" story? Will someone,s kids hear about me from their parents? Have I lost touch with someone who thinks "man, I gotta find that guy, he was awesome.... I wonder what happened to him?

Bottom line, I hope some of those things are true. I hope all the stories people might remember and tell about me are good. Most importantly, I can't shake the feeling that I really hope I do change some one's life for the better. Maybe I really should get back to volunteering somewhere.